Embracing The Couch: Therapy as a spiritual practice. (P.2)

Even when we take the courageous plunge into therapy, we often aren't taught how to get the most out of it. We need practical handles for positioning therapy as a spiritual practice in our lives.

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My firstborn just turned 16.

Since the day she came into the world, parents of older children have been telling me how fast time flies. Now, when she was an infant who seemed to hate sleep like it was her job, I found that hard to believe. I spent more hours than I could guess trying to walk and rock her to sleep. I’ve probably lost days of my life lying next to her crib, just waiting and praying that somehow she would drift off to sleep for more than a few hours. Those were long days that felt like they’d never end.

But as she pulled out of the driveway alone in her car for the first time, I couldn’t help but feel how fast it had all gone by.

I was also consumed by anxiety. My daughter is responsible, so I trust her. It’s the other drivers in Salt Lake City I find suspect. I’ve lived in many places at this point in my life, and I’ve never experienced the degree of negligent driving I see here every day. The lines dividing lanes mean nothing, stop lights are suggestive, and crossing four lanes of traffic to make a last-minute turn doesn’t even register as out of the ordinary for me anymore. So the idea of my baby girl out amongst these monsters is terrifying.

Thankfully, she’s far better prepared to drive than I was.

• She had to take Driver’s Ed, something I never did.

• She also had to do three private sessions with a certified instructor. I think I drove with my mom one time and scared her so badly that I was only allowed to drive with my dad moving forward.

• She also had to take a series of tests to ensure she had learned the necessary protocol to drive safely. I showed up at the DMV once, got just enough questions right, and left with a license.

So, thankfully, driving is a part of life for which I believe my daughter is much better prepared, even if I still wanted to throw up in the driveway watching her drive away.

But this experience has caused me to reflect on how many parts of real life most of us aren’t properly prepared for when we’re kids. In fact, a huge sum of what I learned growing up has no bearing on my actual life. For instance, I don’t use advanced math on a daily basis. And unless I go the Breaking Bad route in the future, I have no need for chemistry. And somehow I manage to survive each day despite not remembering any of the Spanish I was forced to take (although I do wish I retained more of that because nothing screams “I’m a self-absorbed American” like only speaking English).

Now, I know some people use these things in their work each day. But they have not served me in any practical sense. Instead, I could really have used some more instruction in the areas of finance, money management, and investing. I would have loved four years on how to build and maintain healthy relationships. And the fact that I graduated and was released into the world without ever being taught about emotional health seems almost criminal. My point is, there is so much of “real life” for which many of us are terribly unprepared.

I bring this all up because last week, I wrote the first of a two-part article entitled, “Embracing The Couch: Therapy as a spiritual practice.” To my surprise, I found therapy to be one of the most significant investments in my relationship with God. Unlike any sermon I’d ever heard or book I’d ever read, therapy opened up my prayer life in a way that transformed my personal experience with God.

After reading the first installment, I hope you’ve been reflecting on if therapy might be something God is inviting you to as well. But even when we make the courageous decision to embrace therapy, we aren’t really taught to make the most of it, particularly on the spiritual front. Like many areas of real life, we are often thrown in unprepared.

So, this week I want to provide some practical handles for how to position therapy as a spiritual practice in your life. No one ever told me to do any of this. This is simply how I approached it and experienced immense fruit in the process. So maybe this framework could benefit you as well. Sound good? Let’s jump in.

STEP 1: Ask the Spirit to stir up something in need of tending.

Each week, I would walk into therapy, take a seat on the couch, and have no real idea of what might surface. I would usually have something general I’d been thinking about, but no sense of what exactly to focus on, or what it meant. As a result, every session felt a bit like panning for gold.

When I was young, our family had two stints of living in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Deadwood was just up the road. If you don’t know, the discovery of gold in the Black Hills in the 1870s sparked a gold rush, drawing thousands of prospectors and settlers to the area, including Deadwood. The town quickly grew into a thriving mining camp known for its lawlessness and everything that comes to mind when you picture a “wild frontier” atmosphere. We’re talking Wild Bill Hickok and Calamity Jane. It had to have been crazy.

Now, if by some chance you’re unfamiliar with the process of panning for gold, imagine this: you’re standing knee-deep in a rushing stream, you dip your pan into the gravelly riverbed, and swirl it gently. As the sand, clay, and sediment wash away, you anxiously search for even the tiniest speck of gold glimmering back at you. One part patience and one part perseverance, it required a commitment to keep scooping, knowing that each time you might be one step closer to uncovering these hidden riches.

While I didn’t always feel quite so optimistic walking into therapy sessions, I did try to stay curious about what the Spirit might want to draw out of our conversation. Often I would pray in the morning of my sessions, asking the Spirit to make me attentive to what I needed to see. I was also privileged to see a Christian clinical psychologist who would often open our time by asking the Spirit to do the same. So, if you want to begin approaching therapy as a more intentional spiritual practice, ask the Spirit to stir up something in need of tending.

STEP 2: Remain as open and vulnerable as possible.

One of the most important things to keep in mind about the therapeutic process is that your therapist isn’t magical. They can’t read your mind, and they can’t work miracles. In fact, they are at the mercy of your honesty and openness. If you choose to withhold or hide, even the best therapist won’t be of much help. But due to discomfort and fear, most of us are inclined to hide, even in therapy!

But imagine if you did this with your medical doctor. Imagine walking into an examination room experiencing severe physical pain. When you’re suffering physically, the doctor is definitely the best place to be. They have education and experience that positions them to provide you care, and Lord willing, some relief. But imagine that when the doctor asks you about your symptoms and if they can check you out, you refuse, expecting them to simply know what’s going on and what type of treatment you most need. You might be in the right place and talking to the right person, but that time will be wasted.

The same thing is true of therapy. Often times, the things we need to talk about most are the ones we want to process the least. These feelings are entirely understandable. Our inner world is often the most uncomfortable subject to discuss. But if the Holy Spirit is going to be able to use our therapist to help us, we have to remain open and vulnerable.

STEP 3: Write down the feelings, memories, or thoughts that require more attention.

There’s a Chinese proverb that says, "The palest ink is better than the best memory." The point is, our memories are unreliable. We forget where we’ve put our keys. We forget commitments we’ve made to others. We forget tasks we’re responsible to complete. Our memories are unreliable.

I experience this each Sunday. As a pastor, I have multiple interactions with the people of our church both before and after our services. These interactions range from a simple hug or handshake and a quick “hello" to deeply personal and emotional. Often there is action needed on my part after these interactions. It might be a book I’d mentioned, or a follow-up meeting that needs to be scheduled.

For years, I would have these interactions and say, “Oh, I’ll send you that later this week.” But due to the number of things I have to keep track of on Sunday mornings, I would forget to follow up. My memory failed. Because of this, I’ve learned to follow these interactions by saying, “I have a habit of forgetting things on Sunday, so could you text me or email me to help me remember?” I need it written down, so I don’t forget.

I learned this was true in therapy too. I’d have these moments of insight or questions that came up and needed my reflection. I would leave thinking, “I’ll remember that and spend some time with it later this week.” The problem was, nine times out of ten, I would absolutely not remember. I’d forget, and then I wouldn’t be able to invest the time necessary to sit with these things more deeply.

As a result, when I would get to my car, or better yet, before I got off the couch, I would jot down just enough of what had come up for me so that I wouldn’t forget and could then spend more time with it. So before you leave, write down the feelings, memories, or thoughts that require more of your attention.

STEP 4: Take the week to hold it before God.

One reason I believe so many of us struggle with prayer is that we don’t know what to talk to God about. This is why so many of our prayer lives have been relegated to the dump of our daily needs. Again, petitioning God for our most basic needs each day is an essential expression of prayer (Matthew 6:11). But when that’s all it is, it becomes a weird way to try to build a relationship.

Imagine calling a friend each morning and informing them of all you needed them to do for you that day. Then you hang up and go about your day. There’s no follow-up. There’s no mutuality. There’s no exchange of deeper thoughts and feelings. We both know there is no universe in which that is a blueprint for building an intimate relationship. That’s treating God like a butler with an inconsiderate boss.

But, this is why therapy was such a gift to my prayer life. I decided early on that I was going to trust the Spirit to use my sessions to surface things that He and I needed to talk about. I still expressed my daily needs to Him. But the bulk of my time in prayer was spent processing the very feelings, memories, and thoughts that had surfaced in the session prior.

I’m also convinced this is why therapy was such a healing and formative experience for me. If we’re only thinking and talking about our inner world for one hour a week in therapy, the results will be minimal. Integrating it into my prayer life taught me to invite God to tend to these things within me each day.

STEP 5: OOInvite your community to hold space for you.

One of my deepest convictions is that you and I were created for community. It might sound cliché, but the first time in the Genesis story that God ever responds to something He’s created with anything other than an affirmation of its goodness is when He looked at Adam alone in the garden (Genesis 2:18). Humanity is hardwired for connection. Apart from it, our souls shrivel.

Because of this, I believe it’s essential to invite a small, safe portion of your community into your therapeutic journey. You don’t need to live stream to the entire world. But you will benefit greatly from the connection and healing that comes from inviting a few trusted people to hold space for you.

When my wife, Tami, and I were first dating, we went to see one of our favorite bands at a small club in Chicago where we lived. It was a general admission show, so we got there early in the afternoon, sat in the cold, and patiently waited for the doors to open so we would be in the front of the room. When the doors finally opened, it was like a “Hunger Games” sprint to the front. But it paid off because we were right up against the barrier. And what came next was a few of the most exhausting hours of my life.

The show got rowdy, as we expected. Wanting Tami to have the best time, I braced my arms against the barrier while she stood between them and had the night of her life. She was oblivious to the fact that I was in the fight of my life to hold that space for her. I was getting bumped, shoved, and pushed every second of this show. So when it was over, Tami was all smiles, and I was exhausted.

All joking aside, I think about that night when I think about the small circle I invited into my time in therapy. I didn’t just talk to God about what was coming up for me. I also had a handful of people I was living in the open with as well. They didn’t provide solutions. They weren’t trying to supplement my therapy. They simply listened and showed me immense encouragement, support, and empathy. They held space so I could endure the experience I was having.

So this might be your partner. It might be a friend or two. It might be a mentor, pastor, or even a parent. Most likely, it will be some combination of all these. What matters is that you not have to walk through this experience alone. Instead, invite your community to hold space for you.

Formation Demands Intention.

Few things have proven to be a more significant investment in my spiritual life than therapy. But that didn’t happen by accident. Each of these steps requires a decision. Many people go to therapy but never seek to integrate it into their faith. That requires intention. This is what I’m inviting you to consider. Therapy for therapy’s sake is good. But what if it can also be an intentional means of pursuing an even deeper relationship with God? I know that it can be. I pray that it will be…for you.