What is keeping us from connecting?

More than 60% of Americans self-report feelings of chronic loneliness. We long for deeper connection, so why do we seem to be struggling to experience it?

I recently taught on the topic of cultivating a connected life, and it has triggered an immense amount of conversation within our community at Formation Church. The consensus seems to be that most of us are lonely and longing for deeper connection.

The longing makes sense, since God has created us to live connected lives. We’re created for deep connection to Him, to ourselves, and to one another. One of sin’s most damaging effects is the way it separates us, first from God and then ourselves and one another. Remember the Genesis story: The moment sin enters Eden, Adam and Eve go from being “naked and unashamed” to covering, blaming, and hiding. Sin sabotaged how God intended humanity to experience connection, and we’ve been longing for it ever since.

So the longing for connection is not surprising. What’s both surprising and concerning is the number of us who feel so disconnected. I can’t seem to go more than a few days without reading yet another article reporting on what is increasingly referred to as the “loneliness epidemic.”

(A few examples: CNN, USA Today, The Harvard Gazette, The Guardian)

In short, more than 60% of Americans self-report feelings of chronic loneliness. Studies show that chronic loneliness is not just an emotional danger; it also has physical implications. Individuals who report feeling lonely are more likely to experience conditions such as dementia, heart disease, and stroke. One specialist has reported that chronic loneliness has effects on our health equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day. While we may attribute loneliness to the pandemic and technology, the percentage of people reporting feelings of loneliness has actually been increasing since the 1970s. The shut down of 2020 certainly catalyzed this problem, but it didn’t create it.

The Problem.

The problem with trying to understand what exactly is happening is that this issue is complicated and widespread. The experience of loneliness isn’t limited to our community; it’s an increasingly global problem. Furthermore, it isn’t as simple as joining a church, community, or club. There is a complex series of obstacles standing in our way of experiencing deep connection with others. There are the obvious ones like having too little margin in our lives and spending too much time on our phones. But I believe there are four less obvious obstacles that invite our attention:

The Obstacles.

1. We settle for numbing, rather than satiating.

We have a staggering number of ways to numb our longing for connection. We can overwork, overeat, and overdrink. We have legal access to weed, mushrooms, and narcotics. We can scroll until our eyes dry out, and our streaming services provide endless, on-demand access to some of the most engaging entertainment in history. It’s convenient and comfortable, but what it's not is an effective means of satiating our longing for connection. These activities numb the longing, but they don't satisfy it. They give us just enough to survive, but not nearly enough to flourish.

2. We ignore emotional issues that keep us from connecting.

This obstacle is particularly painful. Some of us have an emotional makeup due to things like past trauma, neurological and developmental disorders, and mental illness that make relational connection extremely difficult. The good news is that the vast majority of this can be worked through. The bad news is that it’s very deep, uncomfortable, slow work. Furthermore, sometimes we are unaware or in denial about the extent to which these realities impact our ability to connect. When this is the case, we often revert to obstacle #1 and blame others for our lack of connection.

3. We make it everyone else’s responsibility.

There seems to be an underlying assumption that creating space for and cultivating connection is someone else’s responsibility rather than our own. So, we expect the local church to create just the right program, or we expect other people to invite us to hang out. The number of people I talk to who confess to being lonely but also admit to not taking initiative is truly sobering. To be clear, churches should create space for people to build community, and everyone should be looking for opportunities to invite others into relationships. But, if we sit back and expect someone else to take responsibility for our own experience of relational connection, we will likely be sorely disappointed.

4. We lack the willingness, and/or capacity to do the hard work.

I believe one of the least talked-about effects of the past few years (i.e., COVID, shutdowns, political vitriol, mass shootings, social unrest, racism, and climate change, just to name a few) is the extent to which our emotional capacity has diminished. In short, we barely have any emotional bandwidth. That’s problematic because building relationships is extremely hard work. It requires flexibility, vulnerability, humility, forgiveness, and patience. As a result of our diminished emotional capacity, some of us are either unwilling to wade into these waters, or we genuinely lack the capacity to do so.

Now, my point in all this isn’t to further depress you. My point is simply to say that cultivating the connection for which we long, the connection that is crucial to our spiritual formation, is more complicated than just finding the right small group to join. Additionally, I do believe there’s a way forward.

The Way Forward.

Be honest.

We need to be honest with ourselves on three fronts: First, we need to be honest about the obstacles that are obstructing our ability to connect. This requires taking responsibility, and conducting an honest assessment of where we are. Second, we need to be honest about the type of connection we’re seeking. I often find that people haven’t thought deeply about what they truly want. This means getting clear about our expectations. What are you actually expecting from our community? We also need to ensure that our expectations are reasonable and attainable. Finally, we need to be honest about our own bandwidth. Building community requires margin, space, and time. Sometimes we walk through seasons where we simply lack these things and for that season, may not have what it takes to build deeply connected community. The way forward requires honesty.

Be kind.

We need to be kind first to ourselves. I know that may feel a bit selfish, but the truth is, it’s essential. You have been through a lot, and the humbling reality is, you are one of the great obstacles to experiencing connection with others. However, berating and shaming yourself is counterproductive. So, be kind to yourself as you seek to navigate these complicated waters.

Additionally, we need to be kind to one another. Maybe you’re trying to take the initiative and build relationships. Maybe you’re experiencing resistance. Maybe you’re finding that to be slow work and you’re frustrated that people aren’t responding in the way you want. Be kind to them. I truly believe that everyone is doing their best. Most people aren’t doing great on this front. Kindness will go a long way in moving us forward.

Be careful.

I have two areas in mind here: Firstly, be careful about comparison. It’s natural to observe the relationships of those around you; this is one important way that we learn what we both want and don’t want in our own relationships. However, we also have to be crystal clear on the fact that our perception is always limited. We don’t know the ins and outs of anyone else’s community, so we need to be careful that our comparisons don’t lead to either discouragement or pride.

Secondly, we need to be careful about assumption. It’s easy to look around and assume that everyone else is experiencing a depth of community that we’re not. We assume everyone else is hanging out, loving, and living life together. In my experience, this is simply not true. In fact, it’s far more common that everyone assumes everyone else is feeling connected and fulfilled. But the reality is, very few of us are. So be careful about both comparison and assumption.

Be intentional.

I can’t over stress this point: Deeply connected relationships don’t just happen. They must be built. Building them requires time, attention, priority, and sacrifice. It may likely require getting some therapy and working through emotional issues that are keeping you from connecting with others in the way you want. Don’t give up on relationships just because you ask someone to get coffee and it doesn’t work out. God longs for you to be connected to others. He knows just the right people to have in your life. Maybe if we spend less time trying to control who those people are, and more time being open and attentive to who God is placing in our path, we can find a healthy way forward.

Be patient.

Sometimes we hear the phrase “fast friends” and mistakenly think it refers to someone you meet and have a deep connection with almost instantly. In reality, it refers to people who have been friends for a long time. The truth is, friendship isn’t fast. It takes time. There are bumps in the road, conflicts, and resolutions. There are apologies and forgiveness. There are lots of uncomfortable conversations. Connection is slow and complicated, so we have to be patient.

I want to close by inviting you to share your own thoughts and feelings on all this. These are my observations, theories, and thoughts. I write as someone who has lost many important relationships over the past few years. I write as someone who has fought to keep a very few close friends through it all. I write as someone who is very tired on this front. I write as someone who is struggling to trust people at this stage in his life. I write as a pastor trying to help others navigate the complexities of all this.

I don’t presume to understand your experience. I would never be so arrogant as to think these four obstacles are the only ones. I in no way mean to diminish the hurt that many of us have experienced at the hands of those we at one time called “friends.” This is hard, and we have to fight for hope. God created us for connection with others, so it’s worth doing our best to find a way forward.