I very much struggle with silence. The church I am a part of has been on a spiritual formation journey that has been a lot of deep soul work. As we have been ramping up conversations around it more as of late, I had this thought come to my mind the other day.
I have been trying to get back to the gym lately and get myself in better shape. The hardest part hasn't even been getting to the gym or working out, it's everything that comes after the gym. Like trying to shower the next day because I can't move my arms. But above all, the hardest part for me is food, eating good, nutrient dense food instead of just eating whatever I want, when I want. And I wonder if the most difficult about our salvation and forming process won't be what we hear from God's word, but what we will do after? How will what we hear, read, learn, process in community, how will what God is inviting us into actually change how we think, speak, act, live? What will I do with what I have heard and what God is inviting me into?
And in this thought, my mind went to silence...
Silence is the beginning of how God wants to shape us. In our silence, in the presence of God, it is where He reveals to us how He hopes to shape us and change us to become more like Jesus, and how much love He has for us even when we miss it.
I avoid silence like I avoid broccoli. It makes me uncomfortable, it is hard to sit in, I can't focus. And I began to wonder, why?
When I am force myself into silence, it forces me to think. And not just think in general, but I am confronted with the parts of myself that I don’t often like, or the parts of myself that bring about shame and condemnation, the parts of myself that deny me the grace of God and instead pile on guilt and shame. And as I sit in silence, it is hard for me to get past my own condemning voice and hear God's still small voice. It is hard for me to apply the grace of God to myself because I am so used to partnering with the enemy and buying into the voice of shame, even when it is my own (and it most often is).
I appreciate your transparency and vulnerability, Ryan, in all of this. Thanks for shepherding well, even at a distance.
Silence is hard for me. I want to fill in the blanks spaces. What I need to do today. What my kids need. I don't have time to just sit here. I am too easily distracted! But I tried this. I tried to be very intentional and silent with God. And it wasn't so bad! I will try it again tomorrow!
I have been intrigued by this idea of "doing less" in my relationship with God. I grew up in the church with a family who truly pursued relationship with God, and yet... I came away feeling the need to *do* more to be more. Read more Bible. Pray more. Give more. Serve more.
I think I'm learning to be ok reading less: not beating myself up for not reading the Bible every day, but rather being thankful for the time I do get to be in the word; not feeling like I have to read multiple chapters in order to "get" anything out of it.
I think I'm learning to be ok praying less: not beating myself up if I realized I haven't prayed in awhile; recognizing that sitting in silence is an equal (if not greater) expression of prayer than petition, and being ok sitting in silence with God and not having all the right words.
I could go on, but thank you for your role in guiding this season of my life! I truly appreciate you so much.
This letter is uncanny because a number of years ago I had a similar experience. I prayed, Lord, I have been in and out of churches all my life and there has to be more to church than singing a few songs, praying, a hearing a sermon. I realized that what I was missing was intimacy with Jesus. I also realized that I went to church with the faulty expectation that the hour or two that I spent at church each week was supposed to be the center of my relationship with God. God gave me these thoughts of holy dissatisfaction to help me under that my most important times with Him are the times alone with Him where I can be completely vulnerable and transparent before Him. I now know that the main obstacle was not the church, but my own apathetic relationship with Jesus.
I very much struggle with silence. The church I am a part of has been on a spiritual formation journey that has been a lot of deep soul work. As we have been ramping up conversations around it more as of late, I had this thought come to my mind the other day.
I have been trying to get back to the gym lately and get myself in better shape. The hardest part hasn't even been getting to the gym or working out, it's everything that comes after the gym. Like trying to shower the next day because I can't move my arms. But above all, the hardest part for me is food, eating good, nutrient dense food instead of just eating whatever I want, when I want. And I wonder if the most difficult about our salvation and forming process won't be what we hear from God's word, but what we will do after? How will what we hear, read, learn, process in community, how will what God is inviting us into actually change how we think, speak, act, live? What will I do with what I have heard and what God is inviting me into?
And in this thought, my mind went to silence...
Silence is the beginning of how God wants to shape us. In our silence, in the presence of God, it is where He reveals to us how He hopes to shape us and change us to become more like Jesus, and how much love He has for us even when we miss it.
I avoid silence like I avoid broccoli. It makes me uncomfortable, it is hard to sit in, I can't focus. And I began to wonder, why?
When I am force myself into silence, it forces me to think. And not just think in general, but I am confronted with the parts of myself that I don’t often like, or the parts of myself that bring about shame and condemnation, the parts of myself that deny me the grace of God and instead pile on guilt and shame. And as I sit in silence, it is hard for me to get past my own condemning voice and hear God's still small voice. It is hard for me to apply the grace of God to myself because I am so used to partnering with the enemy and buying into the voice of shame, even when it is my own (and it most often is).
I appreciate your transparency and vulnerability, Ryan, in all of this. Thanks for shepherding well, even at a distance.
Silence is hard for me. I want to fill in the blanks spaces. What I need to do today. What my kids need. I don't have time to just sit here. I am too easily distracted! But I tried this. I tried to be very intentional and silent with God. And it wasn't so bad! I will try it again tomorrow!
I have been intrigued by this idea of "doing less" in my relationship with God. I grew up in the church with a family who truly pursued relationship with God, and yet... I came away feeling the need to *do* more to be more. Read more Bible. Pray more. Give more. Serve more.
I think I'm learning to be ok reading less: not beating myself up for not reading the Bible every day, but rather being thankful for the time I do get to be in the word; not feeling like I have to read multiple chapters in order to "get" anything out of it.
I think I'm learning to be ok praying less: not beating myself up if I realized I haven't prayed in awhile; recognizing that sitting in silence is an equal (if not greater) expression of prayer than petition, and being ok sitting in silence with God and not having all the right words.
I could go on, but thank you for your role in guiding this season of my life! I truly appreciate you so much.
This letter is uncanny because a number of years ago I had a similar experience. I prayed, Lord, I have been in and out of churches all my life and there has to be more to church than singing a few songs, praying, a hearing a sermon. I realized that what I was missing was intimacy with Jesus. I also realized that I went to church with the faulty expectation that the hour or two that I spent at church each week was supposed to be the center of my relationship with God. God gave me these thoughts of holy dissatisfaction to help me under that my most important times with Him are the times alone with Him where I can be completely vulnerable and transparent before Him. I now know that the main obstacle was not the church, but my own apathetic relationship with Jesus.
I believe you are on to something Ryan. These are good things to work on and ponder as I developed a relationship with my savior!